Novel Eye

Back in 2007 I posted this: http://noveleye.blogspot.com/2007/08/mortality-part-2.html and she's still here. Turning 85 today. So she's already lived a more than a year beyond the diagnosis. But something's different. She seems ready to die now. And it's hardening/closing faster, leaving her short of breath. I had to go down and clean up her apt. so she could come home from rehab after a small heart attack and small stroke that have left her blind in one eye. There's so much I could write about it, but I'm still processing--what I feel, what I need. They are saying six months now. We finally had that sort of peace that I was looking for. And now I hate myself for all the wasted years, but I can't do that. They might have been exactly as I feared they would be--all anger and pain. But now I need more time, more time, and that is what we never get.

I'm cleaning out my mother's apartment. She's not dead yet, but they say it's just a matter of time. And it needs to be clean before she can come out of rehab. My mother is a hoarder. My mother is a hoarder's hoarder. We've carted 2 station wagons worth to the thrift store, and this is a three room apartment. We've barely begun. I found a box of Christmas ornaments from my childhood and sat down and cried. I'm finding it hard to function--both because it's a daunting task, and because it renders everything so futile. If we will all end up like this then why should we buy anything now. Much talk with my therapist about this. That we buy things to make us happy now--the future is the future and many people (not my mother) start to weed as they get older--finding less and less that objects are important. I am already less of a purchaser and I have never been the hoarder that my mother is. A collector, perhaps, but when things don't fit ...

I haven't been here in a while. Isn't it funny how we describe some of the sites as if they were rooms or places--physical space. June and July were...hard. It rained almost non-stop in June, and perhaps half the time in July. It's raining today. And I could not outrun my black dogs. I suffer from depression. I think I've made that pretty clear on here. Most of the time it's just a general sorrow--a little more effort to be happy or functioning. The past two months have been major darkness. An inability to see much good in anything--a hopelessness, a lack of dreams for the future. If you've never been there (another sense of a physical location) then you cannot understand. Oddly, just before it went dark I went to see one of my favorite bands, The Psychedelic Furs in concert. I'd only waited 25 years for the chance. They were old, of course, but sounded good and the setting was intimate. I had no expectations and thus enjoyed myself very much. T...

Amidst the craptastic cullinary choices, I watch an Asian gentleman consume an elaborate meal from what appears to be a thermos, but is really a beautifully packaged set of small containers complete with chopsticks. Like all terminuses (termini, locaii?) the range of humanity is broad but shallow. Behind me I hear, "Ich bin jahre. Alles klar." The elegantly dressed, the ethnic, the eccentric. A young woman goes by in an outfit I could have used for the Vietnam play-all tie-dye and patches.

you write this: I tried to kill a f*#&ing hour today. It struggled in my arms And when I thought I had a grip I found I held nothing.

...that I am a late bloomer.

The new Star Trek (which is now old) is fantastic and FAN- tastic as well. Friend T who missed the Trekkiedom in all its forms still enjoyed it, and those of us who worshiped Star Trek for 30+ years--well, it kept the essence and was a damn good ride as well. And the core is Zachary Quinto as Spock. Spock is my favorite character--always has been. I heart Spock, and Quinto seems born to play young Spock (although he is only a few years younger than Nimoy was when he took the role originally). Quinto outside of Spock does not interest me in the least, by the way. Star Trek succeeds because at its core are a group of great characters, and this movie gave each of them their own space--even if it is not "true" to the original origin stories. I am not so bothered by that. The friendship of Kirk and Spock, Spock's divided nature--all there. Sometimes I wonder if my fondness for Spock comes from my own feelings of division, but a tiny look at ST fan fiction for all 4...

I'm having a vote for the title of this one--again from random collected fabrics. Choices are: a) Cats in the Crypt b) At Play in the Boneyard c) Kitties in the Graveyard

I've been creative these last few weekends. There are a lot of reasons--some pharmaceutical, some not. So I've been crafting. First I made a chatelaine. Chatelaines were used in the middle ages as a sort of pocket (pockets are a very recent invention). The idea was re-embraced in the Victorian era (of course). Housekeepers would keep them on their belts with useful items. I'd been thinking about making one for a while because of my Steampunk fascination. Then when I found the little scissors pendant I knew I had to. Mine has scissors, a needle case, a paperclip which is holding a suede envelope with safety pins and straight pins. There's a little metal envelope at the top with a little metal letter in it (I had it and I didn't know what to use it for. Mine can be clipped on or the safety pin can be pinned to the clothes. Mainly I'm keeping it on the end table to sew in front of the tv . Here's a real one: http://www.nps.gov/history/museum/exhibits/grko/exb...

Your own personal pizza Something to fill your needs Something with cheese... Feeling a jones And you're all alone Stomach moan By the telephone Lift up the receiver You know that they deliver Your own personal pizza Something to fill your needs Something with cheese Reach out and touch dough Reach out and touch dough --Novel "Weird Al" West(with apologies to Depeche Mode)

There's a game I played recently with the above name. It's a variation on Build-a-Lot where you are a real estate developer. On each level you have different goals-build/upgrade so many houses, reach a certain rental income (unrealistically collected each day), etc. This one, as the title implies, involves making things eco friendly. You add solar panels, water reclamation, etc. Then you track the carbon savings, energy efficiency, etc. Wouldn't that be nice, if developers swept in and improved neighborhoods? But does everyone want an eco garden? Or to bike to work? And of course, in the real world these improvements are competing with many other types of services. It's sad, because this kind of long term planning is ultimately cost efficient, but getting there faces so many obstacles, not the least of which is the human right not to work in our long term best interest.

A friend commented on my quickie review that he didn't know why the rest of the team tolerates the Comedian. For that matter, why do they tolerate Rorshach? Psychopaths both. Is the answer that Laurie and Dan are actually more like them than unlike them-that they all need the masks to show their faces? Certainly Dr. Manhattan has lost touch with humanity as has Veidt. Who watches the Watchmen indeed. And their acceptance of Veidt's answer is eerie. Except, of course for Rorshach who has ignored trial by jury and other civil liberties for so long but cannot accept lying.

We finally went to see it last night. In the same theater-same room even-where we so V for Vendetta. We liked it very much. And as I mentioned, my husband loves the book. I agree with most of the critics. The soundtrack was bold and sometimes too obvious, it's long and slow, and Laurie seemed young-but not unrealistically so. The 80s were a character in a way they couldn't be in the book-the effect of distance, rather like in Ashes to Ashes (bbc show). Rorshach was frighteningly perfect. I thought them all well cast, even Adrian-he's something of a cipher in the book as well.

This is a doll that I made for my husband. I meant it to be ready at Christmas, and I got everything except the apron done. Then it took me three months to get the apron done. D'Oh . It's the character Schnitzel from Cartoon Network's show Chowder. Schnitzel only says Rada Rada --it translates for everything: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtlqKUwdqqc (about 5:13). I put in a sound disc that plays " Rada rada , raaada ," when you push on his tummy. No reason, just amused me to do so.

When after 11 years, Mephisto let Guinness put his head on Mephisto's butt to sleep. They've slept next to each other over the years, but never quite this. I love how they almost form a yin-yang. I came downstairs and they were on the couch. Guinness was awake and raised his eyes to me as I reached for the camera in a way that seemed to say, "Don't ruin this for me." In the end, it was Guinness who moved away first.

...you come home with glitter in your shoes. Spur of the moment, went to see the last night of a local "Rock and Roll Rumble" for Boston bands because a friend was in one of the finalists and Betamo had sent me the video for C*Star earlier (explicit). The new single is much better. http://www.myspace.com/genedantestarlets Post glam Bowie inspired--great fun. Turns out the lead singer wanted to be an actor and may have been in stuff with other friends. The little pack was a freebie. It contains: a sticker, a chapstick with Gene Dante logo, an XL condom , lube and a mint. Guess you're all set with this in your pocket, although I think he was being optimistic about his fans. Much glam fanservice (for Musing) including coming out at the end with a paper cup that he seemed to be drinking from and just as I turned to scream to whisper to Betamo that if he were really J-Pop he'd throw the water on us (we were about two people back from the stage) he tossed the cu...

So much to say, so much to share, and time fugits , as it were. Guinness does have diabetes. Husband sick again. Old friend killed herself. That brought other friend to town and has prompted a strange, good and not entirely in my control meeting up with friends. Work busy and even occasionally busy with things I like doing (design, planning) but still the feeling that I'm rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, as it were. Have been working out almost regularly as the avatar attests. Both swimming and Pilates . Have been working on managing the weight as well--portion control. Not much weight loss so far, but feel more toned. Trying to add things in little doses. The tiny steps. One desert skipped today. One more exercise class per week. One piece of trash picked up off the floor. One more friend connected with...

One of the interesting side effects about reading books on my phone is that most are part of Project Gutenberg which preserves texts which are out of print, and for the most part, out of copyright , and so I find myself reading things which were published around 1900. Like The Name of the Rose , I always meant to get back and read G.K. Chesterton and never did. Oh, I read Father Brown, it's short and fairly easy. But not the big stuff, even though most of my heroes (C.S. Lewis, Neil Gaiman ) site Chesterton as influence and hero. And so I found myself reading "The Man Who Was Thursday," (which incidentally explained a variety of references in Neil Gaiman's works). Like TNofTR , it too seems to be a fairly straight forward mystery...and then it goes all pear shaped. I actually don't have that much to say because I'm still not sure what to make of it. I'd love to hear some thoughts, because I know that some people who read this have read it. It is, in...

Mmm , do you think He had a beautiful smile? A smile that healed -Why Should I Love You, Kate Bush, The Red Shoes I finally read The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. It seems funny that I hadn't read it before now, but I remember deciding to read Foucault's Pendulum many years ago, and then being so overwhelmed that I put off TNOR . Part of the hesitation was the existence of the movie. The movie, for various reasons, the cast, the time, was printed on my mind. I don't think that Sean Connery was particularly well cast as William of Baskerville (yes, named for both William of Ockham --he allegedly of Ockham's razor--and Sherlock Holmes) but I don't hate him in the part. He made it his. From the description in the book I could almost picture James Cromwell in the role, but at the time the movie came out, Cromwell was best known for playing the nerd dad in Revenge of the Nerds, so probably wasn't a prime contender. F. Murry Abraham was delightfully well cast, ...

In the first part of the month, Mephisto was in the hospital, and will be on $125/month medicine for the rest of his life. Now Guinness may have diabetes with all that that entails. Took the car in for its 30,000 mile check up--good to do, but damn expensive, and the rich wonder why the poor don't invest in maintenance. All in all, an expensive month--husband's bonus and tax returns all taken up. And what do I cut so that I can save more to get to that mythical nest egg?