Anyway, continuing. The big thing that I needed to sort/weed was a box of paper torn from magazines. I have been keeping a file of images, mainly fashion, since I was 12 or 13. It's all in a filing cabinet and I hadn't kept up with my filing for awhile. I'm ashamed to say how long--let's just leave it as approx. two boxes of paper and move on. Again--I was torn with the thought that I should simply throw it all away and move on with my life. After all, to actually do something is better than simply moving paper, but I knew there were things in there that I didn't want to lose. Somethings had been in the file, but had been pulled out as research or inspiration for designing shows, or window displays or clothing and been put back in the pile rather than being refiled.
Part of the difficulty was that in our last apartment I had only a sort of accordion door on the spare bedroom and I couldn't spread out the paper for fear that the pets would get in while I wasn't working on it. Here I can shut the door.
Part of the difficulty was also the fear of relevance. When I began the file I believed that somehow, someway I would be designing something in the future--whether for just myself (as famous actress) or for sale. Now, I know that I won't be designing clothes, I've stopped designing shows and visual display, so what is it for? And if adding new pages is irrelevant, then what is the point of the whole file? I found myself depressed by these thoughts. It's a hard thing to really say--those dreams are past--and know it and mean it. My mother, for instance, at the age of 83 is unable to put down any dream and face reality.
So I sat down and laid out piles all around me for all of two entire afternoons. I threw away a lot. Part of the advantage of time passing was that I was able to see the best of collections from a lot of sources and only keep the best picture. I knew what trends had stuck (trench coats with tweed) and which had not and could keep one representational piece from each. I found a lot of lost treasures and I realized why I keep the file.
No matter what I do with my life, I will always need to revisit the well, and this file is my well--just to spread out the pictures, some silly, some beautiful, is inspiring for me. It lets me continue to believe that I will do something with my life--even if it is not directly supported by the file. I will continue to create something, even if it is just clothes for myself. Do I need all of it? Probably not. But I am not yet ready to slice it away fully. I am not yet ready to say that all my dreams are over--and that is for the good.