Monday, April 24, 2006

Observation of the day: The Fear of Doing Things Wrong Often Keeps Me From Doing Anything at All

From earliest childhood I can remember fearing that there was a "right" way to do things--a correct way that most everyone else knew and that I didn't, and that it was pure, dumb luck that kept me from being found out. Even down to stupid things. I used to stress that I wasn't highlighting correctly when taking notes, too much highlighted, not enough? And yet, I was an excellent student (according to my grades) so the ends were rarely in question, only the imaginary person looking over my shoulder laughing. When I started using computers and would make the same mistake over and over I used to wonder at what point the computer would decide I was too stupid and just turn itself off. DISCLAIMER: not literally or in a disassociative way, I mean the rational part of my brain knew that didn't happen, just as we know the light goes out in the fridge, and yet I imagined the computer sitting in judgement. I'm feeling much better now, to paraphrase "Night Court" and yet there is still a piece of me that worries, esp. about the big things. Did I phrase that right? If I found the perfect words would I make a sale? Do they think I'm an idiot?

I even worry sometimes that I'm not blogging "right." Or that it must add up to something in the end. There are somethings I do without hesitation--design for instance, but not drawing or singing, or physical things. I am always working to correct it, but it's so hard to unlearn the things we think we know.

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