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Seeing Closer

I was afraid of this film. We've had it from Netflix for something like a month which rather defeats the purpose of Netflix. I lived some of this once. That's all I can say for now.

It was perfectly written, perfectly acted--I said or heard all of those things at that time. I was probably closest to the Clive Owen character. A little bit Natalie Portman. I've wished all my life I could be more like that kind of person--able to leave, travel light, reinvent oneself. Instead I have a few identities I cycle through day to day, have far too much stuff and regret too much. I almost made the mistakes of the Jude Law character in the last scenes, but stopped just in time. I don't think I was ever the Julia Roberts character--except in one thing that Owen's character says of her: that she can't let go of being a depressive, of being unhappy. Having that identity makes her happy.

I've said all my life I didn't want to be depressed, and yet behavioral medicine made me realize that I had created a little nest for myself as the dark and brooding one. Listening to goth music, thinking too much, proud of my insomnia. I was afraid of letting that go. What's funny is I don't think I actually came across as all that dark and brooding. I just thought I did. I still like the trappings of Goth, just bought a little coffin shaped wallet and purse which actually makes me smile when I take it out. I'm not going to switch to rap music all of a sudden, but I am afraid of listening to some of it now, because it's luxurious to feel that bad. "I'm only happy when it rains...I'm flying high on a deep depression...pour your misery down on me."--Shirley Manson, Garbage. It's like I only think I'm deep if I'm depressed. My husband loves Garbage and Interpol and the Editors. I was listening to the Editors the other day I just wanted to weep and I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HALF THE WORDS. But I still like the sound. I'm trying to find a way to like the sound without being sucked into the addiction of it. We are all addicted to something, to many things, but most people don't even realize it. Maybe that's part of what Hyde fulfills for me, I know the lyrics are dark but they're in Japanese. According to the very funny but still Goth musician, Voltaire, "Punks looked at the world and got angry. Goths looked at the world and got sad."

My husband was indifferent to the film, which hurt me more than I can say. I think he was afraid of watching it and so found distractions and reasons to dislike it. He didn't want to revisit those places even as catharsis, even in fiction, not yet for him. If I'm not to step back into it, I have to give him that room.


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