Friday, April 28, 2006

A week or more of blogs in one night

I do things in mad bursts and then don't do them for awhile. I'd like to break that habit. I've thought of about 90 (alright, I exaggerate wildly, say 15) things to blog about through the last week and I write them in my head and then I don't have time (read don't make time) or when I sit down at the blank screen it doesn't seem so brilliant anymore or it seems to require more than I can give at that moment. Can we remake ourselves or should we focus more on accepting who we are?

Red Queen has been focusing on cleaning and I went up to help her. I have helped people get organized and while I still have a lot of things I'm actually pretty ruthless in terms of clutter--will I really do this if I keep it, read those magazines, make those recipies. I asked her if she wanted me to be more ruthless with her. Some things are just fun to keep and don't take up space like the 4 years and more than one college worth of college IDs she found in an old wallet. She went to college a little after the time I was born. There was an American war on and it wasn't in the middle east. Keeping the cards was funny. She didn't keep the wallet. The question for us crafty (as in make crafts, not Brer Rabbit, Coyote and Anansi) and artsy types is what projects will we never really return to. I was trying to convince another similar friend to give up the Macrame yarn, books and beads. "Will Macrame every come back? Do you love it so much you would do it anyway? If you retired tomorrow would that be a project you would start?" I asked Red Queen if she needed me to call her once a day and say, "Whatever you're holding, throw it away." I sent her an email that said that and she wrote back saying she really couldn't throw away the mouse or keyboard, but would try to find something on her desk to toss.

I know for me, and probably for them it's a little death to throw projects away. It says that you aren't the person you thought you were going to be when you bought the supplies. Maybe your better (I mean, macrame?) but either way, it's something uncompleted--or maybe that's just the depressive's way of looking at it and I should find a better way of framing.

It's like this blog when/if I walk away from it will I be satisfied with what I've done? What makes it "SUCCESSFUL"? The peace it brings me. The one or two friends who read and comment? Should I be trying to get it read by more people or is that more trouble than it's worth? I NEED TO FIND A PERSONAL DEFINITION OF SUCCESS AND I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ONE. Blech. That got darker and more self-pitying than I intended.

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