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It's getting to be a habit

Actually the first part of this came to me--in that it actually happened--and I was trying to get it into a poem form for a few weeks. I'm not sure it works--like I'm trying too hard.

I saw a crow
motionless
atop a pole
So black and still
he seemed
a paper silhouette,
the outline of a crow

And seeing him,
my focus dwindled,
rendering the world
flat as a photograph
as when a flock of birds
will look no more
than charcoal marks
across the sky.
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Unknown said…
Everything from "rendering" on is excellent. Gorgeous.

The earlier part isn't bad... the thing just picks up and becomes unabashed, in no uncertain terms "art" in the last half. I think you might want a dif't word than "dwindled" to go more concretely with "focus" - something to give the notion of a lense, maybe.

Lines 4-7 seem like they could be collapsed a bit, maybe into only 3 lines instead of 4.
11:16 PM
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