Skip to main content

My fundamental problem

Yesterday I finally called a local school that has a certificate program in Industrial Design. This is my non-fundamental problem. I want to be an Industrial Designer or, at any rate I want to design stuff and have factories make it and be paid for it by working for a company that already has marketing and sales departments (as opposed to designing stuff, taking out a massive loan to have a factory manufacture it, or make it myself, and then ALSO have to go out and drum up orders for said stuff). I want to be Philippe Starck. I want to design useful, pretty things. I have lots of ideas for both useful/pretty things and useless/clever things. What I don't have is a degree in Industrial Design. So I called this school. I've had the catalog telling me about the program since LAST SUMMER. Making the call made me physically sick to my stomach. I did it at work and I thought I was going to have to go into an empty office and lay down. I reached a machine, of course. Today a guy called me back with basic information. The deadline to apply for the fall is April 1st. I probably could have guessed that, and that's probably why (sub-consciously) I haven't called before now. The deadline to apply for next spring is November. Now I'm running through all the reasons why this isn't the program for me. And I'm back where I started.

Now, obviously I do things on a day-to-day basis. I am not disfunctional. I pay my bills on time. I call about problems with bills. I call numbers and get design work. I go on auditions and when cast do a show or a commercial, or whatever. When I do the design work, I do it in a timely fashion. Why then am I crippled by this? When I sit down at the computer to look for a better program I also become sick. I want to lie down and never get up. Over two years ago I wanted to go to Britain to study. I still do. I even got friends (who had hired me as a set/costume designer) to write letters of recommendation. What I did not manage to do was put together a good portfolio. I put together part of a portfolio. I thought of all kinds of good ideas for a great portfolio. I felt sick. I lay down. I stopped working on it and only poked it with the tip of my mental tongue, like a sore tooth FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS! I'd be done by now if I'd managed to do it. I ticked off the friends. I understand that. I'd be ticked too.

I feel nearly as sick when I try to find a script for a voice over tape, but mainly I feel overwhelmed. There are SO many people out there looking for work. Who do I think I am to try this? Do I really think I'll get anything, and then I'll have put out that money for nothing. I got headshots in 1999. I've probably just about paid for them in the work I've gotten since (well, maybe better than that--but add in classes and reprints, and money I've lost doing shows in gas and parking tickets, etc.--you get the picture).

And all the while I continue to get older. My non-retirement looms closer. And opportunities close around me.

I keep trying to figure out why I'm so afraid it makes me sick. That's part of why I went through that course of Behavioral Therapy. When I got sick yesterday I went through the list my therapist gave me about analysing a feeling. Things like "What's the worse that could happen? What does this say about me? What memories does this bring up?" I'm still working on the answers.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Driving in Boston

Inching along in a log jam of traffic yesterday on the Mass Pike I watched an Audi a few cars in front of me weave in and out of traffic determined to find the lane that was "moving" and yet for the whole half an hour that we sat there he ended up still only a few cars ahead of me. Sure there were times his lane pulled ahead, but then mine would catch up and he would switch back. The only thing he accomplished was to make the line that much slower. There was a great article that a friend sent me years ago on the physics of traffic and it has been determined that weaving in and out of tight traffic will really gain you nothing and in fact cause the very blockages that you believe you are defying. (Sidenote--an unfortunately side effect of so much of interest on the internet is that it is impossible to store all of the articles that interest you over the years in the vague belief that you will someday want to reference them to others) The article also pointed out that if all d…

The end of Cloud Atlas

Feel I must write this--promised it to myself, can I finish before midnight (when I said I would go to bed at 11)?

Where was I?

Oh, yes, section 5, where it gets interesting--because it's the future, at least 25 years, hopefully more. I say hopefully, because I don't want to be living in this future. The section is called "An Orison of Sonmi-451." An Orison (I had to look it up, proving I don't remember my Shakespeare) is a prayer, but in this future world where language has taken as many turns as in Orwell's 1984, it is more a confession or final statement. Sonmi-451 is a clone (as the name might suggest). The section is not entirely original. It owes much to Brave New World and Phillip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (made into the film Bladerunner). I find it interesting that 40 or so years ago--when Dick wrote his book he believed that future slaves would be Androids, replicants. Now we are much more likely to presume they will be clones,…

Adapting a book--The Prestige

I was completely blown away by the movie of The Prestige, and I thought then about reading the novel, but it seemed too soon. So I carried the author's name around with me for over a year (Christopher Priest) and then, finally remembered to buy it through an odd sequence of events. We watched The Painted Veil based on the novel by Maugham starring Edward Norton, and while I decided I didn't want to read The Painted Veil because of it's differences from the film (which was more romantic and tragic) it reminded me that I had wanted to read Fight Club (the movie version of which starred Edward Norton) and that reminded me that I had wanted to read The Prestige (which did not star Edward Norton, but was up against The Illusionist which did). Whew...so it's all Edward Norton's fault.

The Prestige is a very good novel, and yet, the movie differs from it considerably. And I am still trying to figure out what exactly that means. The central premise is the same, AND HER…