Friday, August 31, 2007

Dreams deferred

I bought a fashion magazine this week. The big, fall issue of Vogue. There have been times in my life when I've subscribed to fashion magazines. Other times when I've bought them off of the stands, different ones at different times.

I used to love fashion--the designers, the creativity, but somehow, this time I didn't enjoy it. I don't know if it was because of my mindset this week, or the stresses going on, but it just all seemed absurd. These things that 99.9 percent of the world will never be able to buy. All that money being spent by absurd people who should be doing better things.

And it all seemed old and boring. I thought, "I've seen these clothes before. I've seen these layouts before, this make-up, these hairstyles."

I've collected fashion magazines for nearly 25 years. I have files of garments I admired, things I wanted to wear, or to try to make. What's different now? Is it because I now know that I won't have a future in these things, when I still had hope maybe 15 years ago. And what does that mean? That I have given up hope? Or just hope in this particular thing. And then, how do I find enjoyment in it again, now that I know it will always be a hobby, if even that? Was I foolish to even have these dreams then?

JT keeps encouraging me to try and find my deeper meaning and pursue it. I wasn't able to do that 15 years ago--how do I do it now?

No comments: